Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize