that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
