YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
