I just pynch a tree in the face
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
