nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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