i just had sex bonerless
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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