Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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