In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
