i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
