Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
