Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
