dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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