The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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