He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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