Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
