Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
