you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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