Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
