What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
