he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
