I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize