I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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