You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
