Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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