and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
