omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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