i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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