got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
