who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
