i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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