Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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