You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
