apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
