I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
