She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
