I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize