when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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