we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
