New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
