so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
