If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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