i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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