I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
