We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
