I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize