He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
