i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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