Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
