walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
