A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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