I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
