i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This baby is an asshole
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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