dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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