did you get engaged???
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
