"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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