JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
