Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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