Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
