She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
