Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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