She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
