The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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